It’s the 1st. The first. The first day in a new year on this planet.
God, I’m happy 2018 is over.
It was a challenging one, last year. A challenging one and frustrating one and joyful one, all at the same time.
2018 saw my life change the most in a 12-month period that I can remember, and I wasn’t half tired by the end of it.
I don’t really do resolutions. I decide a ‘word of the year’ instead, and use that as a compass point as the months go by, helping guide me in the right direction. Last year was ACTION, and I think I did pretty well with it, though not in any way like I was expecting.
But enough about 2018. I’m shaking it’s hand, I’m thanking it for coming, but I’m hastily seeing it out the door. I’m looking straight ahead.
If there’s anything I have learnt about myself, in the past 6 months especially, it’s that I’m a lot more capable than I used to give myself credit for. And that nobody is going to do my life for me. That responsibility is all mine.
No-one is coming to save me, to give me everything I dream of. A phrase I’ve had crop up a few times recently is that ‘there is no-one in this world you cannot live without’. I thought there was, but that person is gone now, and that’s both terrifying and terribly freeing.
What am I going to do with all this life in front of me?
Ambition has never been my problem, nor ability. It’s bravery I lack, and so it’s BRAVE that is the verb I’ll live by in 2019.
BRAVE can be a misunderstood word, I think, often associated with saving lives or putting yourself in danger. But it’s the small acts of bravery I’m going for in 2019, as well as the bigger ones.
And that’s not to say I’ll be pushing myself to breaking point; I want to live with a little more courage, not put myself in the way of pain.
Bravery, to me, means standing tall and present in my own skin. It means going on dates, going out dancing with my friends, going to the doctor. It means feeling the fear and doing it anyway. It means being as brave as the person I imagine myself to be on my very best days, and not shrinking into the shell of a woman I can be on my worst.
I won’t feel BRAVE every day, and that’s okay. It’s sure as hell better than no days at all.