Starting Over

August 18, 2018 2 min read

Starting Over

August 18, 2018 2 min read

starting-over-sophie-f-butcher

What a difference a month makes.

As I sit writing this, a month ago to the day I was spending my last night in a house in Manchester with my boyfriend of almost 5 years. The man who, up until only a couple of weeks prior, I’d thought was the love of my life.

And maybe he was. Or at least, a love of my life. Because we were in love, once. But unfortunately, as does happen, we fell out of it, and became more like best friends than romantic partners.

And it was all very sad, and daunting, the thought of starting over. But we pushed through and we were brave, and we refused to settle for what would have been a life full of fun and laughter, but that would have never been quite right for either of us.

We faced the truth, and we called it. Outside on our brand new decking, looking out at a Salford sunset, holding back tears, we called it.

It’s something I never thought I’d do. Obviously, we don’t start or stay in a relationship thinking it’s going to end, but I never thought that I would have enough confidence to believe ‘I’d be okay without this’.

The weeks between us officially breaking up and me moving out were the hardest. I think it’s because I was still in it, surrounded by stuff we’d bought together and memories we’d made. Great memories. Cuddling the cat we’d adopted together, washing his socks, sharing a bed.

I was still submerged in the life I was choosing to leave behind, and it was so, so sad.

Packing, crying, nostalgia, more packing, more crying. We booked a van and set a date and off I went. I waved goodbye to our new lamps and our comfy sofa and my favourite bedding and headed back up north.

It hasn’t been all bad. It’s been a sad end to a very happy time, one I’ll look back on with such gratitude, but it’s also the start of what I hope is an exciting new chapter.

I’ve lost a partner, but got a promotion.

I’m alone now, but somehow less lonely.

I’ve less intimacy, but more independence.

I put the defibrillators on my life and shocked it into something else entirely.

I’m not going to lie, it’s pretty scary.

There’s some great, great things behind me, but, hopefully – the best is still yet to come.

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About Me

About Me

Hi! I'm Sophie.

Writer, thinker, often overwhelmed.I like to talk about film, feelings and feminism. Not necessarily in that order.

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  • Hot chocolate break with @mathew_curran before we hunt down more photo opportunities - and meatballs, obviously. 🇸🇪
  • My mum got me this lady cushion and I LOVE it
  • Gripping, poetic, and consistently lightbulb-inducing as it explores a world where women rise to power, I couldn’t get enough of this book. I haven’t read fiction in years, but this reminded me that I ought to, much more often.
  • From Icelandic winds to sunny Spanish rooftops; quite the climate change, but I’m not complaining ☀️ Swipe to see some of my favourite photos from Malaga so far, or I’ll be posting the full set over at @sophslens_ 📸
  • Some of my favourite snaps from Reykjavík round 2. We came back with sore feet, tired legs and much lighter pockets (Iceland is pricey, people!), as well as a friendship even more incredible than it was before we left. I adore you @hbensonx.
  • In Reykjavík, happy as Larry. (📸 @hbensonx)
  • I’ve been spending a lot of time here, because anywhere else feels a bit too scary at the moment. Who’d have thought that throwing your old life into the fire, and letting it burn up to create a new one, would have such lasting hurdles? Its a strange feeling to know that you wouldn’t want to go back, but sometimes wish that you could. I’m done with the pressure and the comparison of trying to replace what I’ve let go of. Solitude, it turns out, is the best thing for now. And this room, with its comfy bed and grey walls and light in all the right places, isn’t such a bad place to find it.
  • This little corner of my room is my favourite; a collection of memories I’m reclaiming as my own. 🌟 After a week of ups and downs I’m going on a solo cinema trip, because sitting in a dark room and not talking to anyone feels like a good choice right now. Hope you’re having a good Sunday 🌹
  • But soft, what light through yonder window breaks?

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