Solitude

I’ve been spending a lot of time here, in my room at home, because anywhere else feels a bit too scary at the moment. Who’d have thought that throwing your old life into the fire, letting it burn up to create a new one, would have such lasting hurdles? It’s a strange feeling to know that you wouldn’t want to go back, but sometimes wish that you could. I’m done with the pressure and the…

I don’t want to tell you my secrets

I don’t want to tell you my secrets. And I don’t want to know yours. I don’t want to reveal my trauma, my darkness, my sadness. I don’t need to know your fears, your hopes, your lifelong dreams. I don’t want to know your middle name and you don’t need to know mine. I don’t want to meet your friends. I don’t want to book a weekend away. I don’t want to have to fret…

2019: The Year of ‘Brave’

It’s the 1st. The first. The first day in a new year on this planet. God, I’m happy 2018 is over. It was a challenging one, last year. A challenging one and frustrating one and joyful one, all at the same time. 2018 saw my life change the most in a 12-month period that I can remember, and I wasn’t half tired by the end of it. I don’t really do resolutions. I decide a…

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I’m Single Now, And The Weight Loss Voice Is Back

…I mean, let’s be honest. It never completely went away. But, over the past 12 months or so, I have done a lot of work to reach a level of acceptance that means the incessant, intrusive, extremely loud voice in my head that used to tell me I’m worthless, disgusting and that nobody will ever love me had been turned down to a minor annoyance. And that was a breath of fresh air compared to…

To The Man Who Fat-Shamed Me From His Car

To the man who fat-shamed me from his car – do you realise what impact your actions had that day? I was minding my own business, walking back to my car after paying for petrol. Lost in my own thoughts, of which there were many, given that I was (and still am) in the midst of a fairly tumultuous time in my life. I was minding my own business and owed you nothing, and yet…

My Eating Disorder Doesn’t Look The Way You Think It Should

“I think I have binge eating disorder.” The words hung in the air. The trainee doctor looked terrified, left to ask someone more qualified what to do, and came back with a recommendation to join what was essentially Slimming World disguised as a medical intervention. Off I went, supposedly cured. I’m not alone in experiencing inadequate, triggering treatment in the face of an eating disorder, but that my course of action revolved around a fortnightly…

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Starting Over

What a difference a month makes. As I sit writing this, a month ago to the day I was spending my last night in a house in Manchester with my boyfriend of almost 5 years. The man who, up until only a couple of weeks prior, I’d thought was the love of my life. And maybe he was. Or at least, a love of my life. Because we were in love, once. But unfortunately, as…

Why I’m Never Trying To Lose Weight Again

If you’re shocked by the title of this blog post, I’d love to know why. Is it because you’re surprised that someone my size (UK 18-22) isn’t desperately trying to change their body? Is it because you think I ought to be? Is it because you have spent so long in the pursuit of weight loss yourself, that you have no idea what it would be like to opt out of it? Believe me, I…

The Dimmer Switch: Falling Out Of Love

Falling out of love felt like the flick of a switch, but in reality it’s more like the gradual turning down of a dimmer. Things start brightly, so brightly. Your sun is shining with such veracity that it illuminates even the gloomiest nooks and crannies of your heart and soul and suffering. It burns, gloriously, and you think to yourself that something this bright will never be dulled. But even suns die, eventually. What if…

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Thank You, Binge Eating

  (Illustration by @lauravennison of @notplantbased)   **Content Warning: this blog post talks about disordered eating and Binge Eating Disorder. Please give it a miss if you think this might trigger you.**   I’ve spent a long time hating my binge eating. Hating and despising the excessive, mindless consumption that makes up such a big part of my eating disorder. I’ve also spent a long time thinking that the binge eating is the problem, the…

The False First Step

  A podcast mic Domain names Social media handles Gym memberships Books, so many books The perfect top/dress/shoes/outfit What do all of the above have in common? They’re all things that I’ve bought, but not taken action on, because I thought they were what I need to become the person I’ve always wanted to be. How often do we fall into the trap of thinking – when I own this thing, when it’s in my…