Poetry: ‘Press Refresh’

Poetry: ‘Press Refresh’

How do I press refresh?

On my body, on my head

Undo all my bad habits and behaviours and self hatred and just start again

I wasn’t always like this

I wasn’t always sad

Wishing I could go back in time, I tell myself

I wouldn’t do it like this

I’d stop, before it got this bad

But the truth is, and I know this – I have to earn it

Have to earn and work my way out of this hell

It won’t work otherwise, just a temporary fix

Every time I say it will be the last

But the urge to binge is pulling me down

Feels like such sweet sanctuary from real life

My sad sorry self is just so willing to crack

I need time out, away, distance

From triggers and supermarket aisles and everyone else eating as they please

From mirrors and pressure and the laptop screen

Having to always be the best version of me

 

How do I press refresh?

On this failing machine that is my mind and now my body

Turn it off, then on again

Let it hum to life and restore power

Shine brightly

Be a good person

Be a good friend

Because all I care about right now is me

and my next meal

Depression swamps everything that I feel

 

If I could press refresh, reboot

Go back to the time I last worked properly, if there was such a thing

Then maybe I could fight it

 

If only starting over in life was a simple as switching ourselves off then back on

Viruses gone

But it’s not.

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